As I roam the streets of Sheffield, people say to me, "Steve, with your trilby, string vest, purple loon-pants and Clarks Wayfinders, you're a man who knows how to dress well. Not only that but, with your Clarks Wayfinders on, you need never fear getting lost - nor not being able to identify small woodland creatures you encounter. But, if you had to walk around dressed as a super-hero, which one would it be?"
Well, I think I can safely say you should never ever wear anything Killraven would - unless you want to look like a 1970s' sci-fi porn star....
... and not in a good way.
But, on the issue of what one should wear? Well, I've always had a liking for boots that turn down at the top, in the style of Captain America and Conan.
Then again, I've always been fascinated by Batman's gloves with the bendy spikes sticking out of them.
Iron Man's armour'd make me feel safe from the threat of flying bullets and give me the impunity to become as totally evil as I seek to be. But I can't help feeling it must be a bit claustrophobic in there and, looking at that mask, he must only be able to see things that're directly in front of him.
There's no way I'd choose a cape, as that'd be ostentatious - and a threat to life and limb if I tried to use a revolving door whilst wearing one.
The Fantastic Four's togs always looked too much like overalls for my liking.
Let's face it, the Hulk's purple trousers aren't a costume. They're just purple trousers.
So, in the end, I think I'm going to have to go for The Flash's outfit. Not only does it have little wings on it and lightning bolts to signify the dynamism that's rightfully mine but it's also my favourite colour - red. On top of that, it cunningly conceals itself inside a ring.
Rings are indisputably a good thing. Just ask the Mandarin.
And that's why, if forced to spend the rest of my days in Spandex, it's the costume of The Flash that I shall be wearing.
Either that or Adam Warlock's.
But, Reader; what super-hero outfit would you wear if forced to?
Keep Those Things Away From Me - Novel
5 weeks ago