As I roam the multi-layered splendour of Tinsley Viaduct, Sheffield's finest tunesmiths the Arctic Monkeys often lean out of their Rolls Royce to ask me, "Steve, how many secrets can you keep?"
Then they ask me, "Don't you know that you're in deep?"
Then they ask, "Stop making the eyes at me. I'll stop making the eyes at you."
And I say, "Why are you speaking in your own song lyrics?"
They say, "Your name isn't Rio but I don't care for sand."
And I say, "What the hell are you on about?"
And they say, "Dancing to electro-pop like a robot from 1984."
Then they wind up the window and drive silently on while affecting to have the accents of ageing northern working men's club Elvis Presley impersonators.
But, in answer to their question, I of course keep no secrets.
However, there is one place not so blessed with the quality Quincy used to pronounce as, "Nigh-eev-tay," and that's the comic that each month brought us terror in doses we'd be lucky to survive.
That can only mean one thing...
It's time to revive that ever-popular feature where I vainly try to remember what was in an issue of a DC horror mag I've not read in nearly forty years.
Mr Whippy turns Mr Drippy, as ice cream becomes you scream.
From what I can remember of this, we get a re-telling of Mark Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court but starring an ice cream van driver.
Is this the one with the rather pathetic sideshow freak who eats live chickens?
If it is, this was the mag that first introduced me to the word, "Geek."
I remember this one containing the tale of an ageing ice dancer who gets her revenge on a man who can only be labelled a cad and a bounder.
Sadly, there was not a Zamboni in sight.
Another of those stories about a man who imitates a monster and gets his comeuppance, in what turns out to be a tale of unlikely romance and love at first sight.
Is this the one with the boy who disappears off into a fantasy land filled with unicorns and satyrs?
If so, it's another of those Blackpool-bought issues - and one of my faves.
I had a copy of this a couple of years ago but all I recall of it is that the cover story features a boy who takes up a dare to spend a night in a haunted house - with disastrous consequences.
I wrote a review of this very issue, right here.
I have a feeling this one contains a traumatic tale of a terrible tontine.
If it does, it's the mag that first introduced me to the word, "Tontine."
This means that, in its time, the House of Secrets introduced me to two new words. Who says comics aren't educational?
Keep Those Things Away From Me - Novel
1 year ago