As I've complained before, on Twitter, it's not easy to be Spider-Man when you live in Sheffield.
Not only are radioactive spiders a bit thin on the ground but any ambition to swing from skyscrapers is somewhat muted by the fact that it doesn't have that many tall buildings to swing from in the first place.
To make it worse, the ones it does have are all at least a mile apart, meaning one needs a very good aim to be able to hit one building with webbing whilst clinging to another.
Having achieved that, you would then smash stylishly into the pavement, roughly fifteen seconds after beginning your swing.
Of course, the other reason for my lack of Spider-Man style activities is that I don't have any web shooters.
Unbelievably it's true. Despite the fact that a penniless teenager managed to whip a pair up in his bedroom, in about twenty minutes, I, a genius beyond measure, with the resources of Croesus at his disposal, have somehow failed to make a pair for myself.
I did once make a Daredevil style billy club from Lego, a piece of string, and a metal hook from a Meccano set but, sadly, Lego isn't the strongest building material known to man and I suspect my contraption wouldn't have stood the test of supporting me as I swung majestically from the towering heights of Park Hill Flats.
But wait? What's this? All along, in the 1970s, there was a solution to my problems?
For just $2.19, I could've bought a genuine Spider-Man web shooter simply by cutting out a coupon?
Armed with this knowledge, I do find it amazing that, when I watched American movies and TV shows, as a youngster, there were never any children in sight swinging around in the background, from their web shooters. Clearly they must have all been skillfully edited out, so as not to divert attention from Kojak or McCloud as they went about their crime-smashing business.
Now that I have that problem solved, all I need to do is find out from which issue of which Marvel comic I can find a High Evolutionary style Genetic Accelerator and I will at last have all the comics-related hardware I have ever desired.
Keep Those Things Away From Me - Novel
10 months ago