Everyone knows that I only shop in the classiest of establishments. Why, if Holly Golightly wouldn't be seen dead in a place, neither will I.
And so it is that it's repeatedly come to my attention that my local Poundland now sells Hershey Bars.
Being a man who likes to experience the produce of exotic alien cultures, I must confess that I've been tempted to buy one.
But paying £1 for a chocolate bar seems a trifle excessive to me, especially as I keep seeing Americans say bad things about them on the internet. There's talk of waxiness, additives and aftertastes, all of which make me wonder if I really want to eat them.
But, of course, I can't see the words, "Hershey Bar," without thinking of two things; Judge Hershey and Hostess Twinkies.
Unlike Hershey Bars, I've never seen a Twinkie. But I do know that every American comic I bought in my youth seemed to include a super-hero trying to convince me to buy them, that I might more easily thwart the schemes of super-villains.
I remember Spider-Man fighting the Human Fly, Captain America fighting the Red Skull, and the Hulk getting knocked out by a partnership of the Wendigo and the Abomination.
Batman's encounter with a mummy, and Captain Marvel's battle with Nitro.
I suspect the Batman one was memorable because it involved a dread creature of the supernatural and because of its stylish art, which may or may not have had the involvement of Dick Giordano.
The Captain Marvel one was probably so memorable to me because I've always been taken by Nitro's habit of blowing himself up when anyone gets in his way, which surely has to be one of the least likely and most drastic super-powers of all time.
Of course, I'm not sure the Captain Marvel one makes much sense. Where did the hole in the mountain suddenly appear from?
And how come Robin's anti-mummy gun doesn't work in the other ad? According to Batman it's because you can't kill someone who's already dead. Well, leaving aside the fact that I find it hard to believe Robin would so readily shoot to kill, it's supposed to be an anti-mummy gun. Surely, as it's an anti-mummy gun, it should be designed to work on dead people. If it isn't, in what way is it an anti-mummy gun?
For that matter, how come he has an anti-mummy gun on him anyway? Just how much usage is that likely to get in the course of a typical evening?
Do Hostess Twinkies still exist?
I don't know.
Are they nice?
I don't know.
Do you have to pay £1 for one?
I don't know.
But I do know that they seem to be the greatest weapon ever invented in the fight against both logic and crime. And, surely, that alone justifies their existence.
Keep Those Things Away From Me - Novel
10 months ago