March 16th, 1974 - Marvel UK, 50 years ago this week.

Thanks to Charlie Horse 47 and Killdumpster for their sponsorship of this post, via the magic of Patreon. 

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As I stand haughtily atop the tallest buildings South Yorkshire can offer, and observe the witless follies of personkind, people often ask me, "Stevie-Pops, what was the first single you ever bought?"

And I can sensationally reveal the answer is one that could cause even the gods themselves to crumble.

Because that record was no less than Billy Don't Be a Hero by Nottingham's finest Paper Lace.

Such was that record's impact upon me that, even to this day, I refuse to be a hero.

And I like to feel my act of buying that record is what helped propel it to Number One on the UK singles chart exactly fifty years ago this week.

One band, however who've never known the joy of me buying one of their singles is the Carpenters.

Not that they needed care, seeing as how their greatest hits package was still reigning supreme on the UK album chart.

The world can only tremble, as the Hulk joins forces with Maximus the Mad in order to swat Thunderbolt Ross's planes like flies.

Still, fear ye not, Humanity. I'm sure it won't be long before the jade Juggernaut recognises his mistake and turns against his new allies.

Elsewhere, the man without fear's trying to stop the Sub-Mariner's wrecking spree in the streets of New York.

You might think our hero must stand no chance against such power-packed opposition but you've not reckoned with his face. His face that has developed the tactic of repeatedly smashing itself into Subby's fists until the Atlantean's forced to get bored and go home.

It's a novel strategy but it might just work 

And, finally this issue, the Fantastic Four conclude their latest clash with Diablo by watching him and Dragon Man crash through ice and disappear beneath the waters of a lake we can only assume to be bottomless.

I do believe this tale concludes with Reed and Sue taking a trip up ESU's Lover's Lane, where they finally decide to tie the knot.

Let's face it, it's probably easy for Sue to tie a knot with Reed, what with him being made of elastic.

Those who often despair at my inability to recall what Dr Strange is up to in this comic need not despair about that, this week.

Instead, they need despair at the fact I can't recall what the Avengers are up to.

I do know the Swordsman, Power Man and Black Widow are involved. And I have a nagging feeling a scientist with a new invention may also feature.

Judging by that cover, it seems the villains have decided to give themselves the moniker of, "The  Terrible Trio," and I'm sure their next clash with the Avengers will reveal just how terrible they truly are.

"But what of Dr Strange?" I hear you ask.

Indeed. That's what I ask too.

Sadly, when I ask myself, I get no answer.

I am going to assume, though, that Eternity, Baron Mordo and Dormammu are involved.

It's a sight that does my soul good, as Mary Jane Watson gets to dance on the front cover.

Sadly, things aren't working out so happily for her inside the book, as it turns out her brand new job, taking customers' photos at a club, is really a front for one of those brainwashing organisations that are becoming such a nuisance these days.

Apparently, Spider-Man also does stuff, this issue but I only read his comic to see what Mary Jane's up to.

After that, we're supplied with a one-page feature called A Day at the Daily Bugle created and presented by the dynamite team of Lee, Lieber and Romita.

Deep below the Earth's surface, Tony Stark's been kidnapped by Kala queen of a buried kingdom.

Sadly, her plans to conquer our realm collapse when it turns out she can't visit the surface world without ageing dramatically.

Far too busy scrapping to worry about any of that are Thor and Hercules who're still tussling over the heart of Jane Foster.

However, it's not good news for the thunder god, as useless plonker Odin decides it's a great time to halve his son's superpowers, causing that son to right royally lose to his opponent.

And, to compound it all, Odin decides to give his own superpowers to the not-at-all trustworthy Seidring.

We conclude with a two-page feature which reveals just what Spider-Man would look like if drawn by artists belonging to other publishers.