The Marvel Lucky Bag - December 1984.

Thanks to Charlie Horse 47 and Killdumpster for their sponsorship of this post, via the magic of Patreon. 

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This month in 1984, the dedicated cinema-goer probably couldn't even make up his mind just what films he wanted to see in his local cinema.

And that's not surprising. It was a month, after all, which saw the release of such box office stardust as Beverly Hills Cop, 2010, City Heat, The Cotton Club, Dune, 1984, A Passage to India, Johnny Dangerously, Starman and, of course, Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

I must confess the only ones of those I've actually seen are Dune and Starman and I refuse to vote for either of them as being Film of the Month because, if either of them is, there's something seriously wrong with the world.

I think it's the comic we've all been waiting for, when Marvel's adaptation of Buckaroo Banzai makes its sensational reprint debut.

Join it as Bill Mantlo and Mark Texeira reveal just how Buckaroo and his gang learn the Earth is imperilled by aliens.

And, then, I assume they set out to do something about it, or it wouldn't be much of a comic. Nor much of a film, either.

Conan gets his ninth annual and seems to be up against the Stone Men from Saturn!

Upon closer research, it seems the Stone Men from Saturn are not involved but, instead, the barbarian and his crew of pirates blunder across a ship carrying warrior priests intent upon protecting the giant statue of their sleeping god.

And what's the betting that that sleeping god is about to wake up?

What's this? An adaptation of Disney's Beauty and the Beast?

Even though it won't be coming out for another seven years?

That's what I call a preemptive strike.

But no! It turns out this book has nothing to do with the Disney film. Nor with any associated fairy tale.

Instead, it's a story of furry super-heroics, as the X-Men's Beast hits Hollywood, looking to hang out with his old mate Wonder Man.

I shall assume Wonder Man isn't the, "Beauty," of the title and will, therefore, speculate it's the Dazzler, who's signed up to perform with an, "experimental," theatre.

This all leads to her powers going out of control, causing her to vanish into thin air.

Can the mutant crime-buster find her?

And, even if he does, then what?

They said it couldn't be done.

And probably assumed it wouldn't be done.

But done, it has been.

At last, Mother Teresa has her very own Marvel comic devoted to her!

I can reveal almost nothing of the plot of this one - mostly because I don't have a clue what its plot is  - but I shall assume that plot bears a remarkable resemblance to her life story.

And if that life story doesn't bear a remarkable resemblance to The Sound of Music, I shall be highly disappointed.

Unless my instincts let me down, Spider-Man's 18th annual sees the return of no lesser threat than the Scorpion!

  

Not for the first time, the titanium-tailed terror's out for revenge upon J Jonah Jameson. And, this time, he's going to do it by abducting JJ's bride-to-be Marla Madison, and his son John.

But, if John Jameson's around, does that mean Man-Wolf will also be putting in an appearance?

Another new mag enters our eyes and brains when someone called Ataluma is enslaved by pirates.

After tricking someone called D'lak into killing someone called Thibbeus, she rallies some women to her side and forms something called the Sisterhood. Ataluma then murders D'lak and takes over somewhere called Ildana.

Much later, while completing her training, someone called Boronwe tries to cover-up for someone called Kelki when one of them runs off with the lover of one of them.

Frankly, I've no idea what any of that means.

But I'm suspecting this is the comic book equivalent of those dodgy, female-led, straight-to-video 1980s Sword and Sorcery films of a certain reputation.

First, Marvel gave us Shanna. And now it gives us Sheena!

Despite what the Ramones may have told us, Sheena is not a punk rocker.

Instead, she's a full-fledged jungle queen and, within, this adventure, the villainous Prince Otwani's plot to murder a king is successful but his plan to usurp the throne may fail because our heroine's rescued the shaman he was planning to use as a scapegoat.

Gray Morrow supplies the artwork. Therefore, it is, at least, guaranteed to be pleasing to the eye.

In the 1970s, Jack Kirby gave us Marvel's take on Stanley Kubrick's masterpiece.

Now, that same company gives us its take on the sequel to that masterpiece.

I'd reveal the plot of this one but I don't know what it is.

I'm going to guess monoliths and spaceships are involved. And, possibly, a trip to another world.

It's probably like Alien: Prometheus, or something.

I do know, though, that J M DeMatteis, Joe Barney and Larry Hama are the creative talents behind this version of the venture.

On the other hand, I have seen the movie version of Dune.

On the not-other-hand, I don't have a clue what that one was about either

However, I do know this version is 64 pages long and brought to us by Ralph Macchio and Bill Sienkiewicz.

Wait. Hold on. Wasn't Ralph Macchio the Karate Kid?

Speaking of action stars, the biggest of them all gets a Marvel book all to himself, as the company's adaptation of his second Conan film hacks and slashes its way into our tame existences.

In it, Queen Taramis promises to restore Valeria to life if our hero performs the simple feat of escorting her niece to somewhere or other.

The only problem is that Thoth-Amon is around.

And, of course, he's up to his customary no-good.

It's taken a long time but Marvel's frostiest fighter of foes, fools, filch-meisters, felons, Pharaohs, fumblesome fops, flops, flunkies and fiends has a book of his own!

Can the walking popsicle make it on his own?

All I know is he heads off to attend his father's retirement party but it turns out his parents still aren't happy that their son's a super hero.

To make matters worse, two people called White Light and The Idiot show up. 

Happily, he defeats those clowns but will his parents ever forgive him for using his mutant powers in front of everybody?