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There are so many places that I'm not, right now.
I'm not in New York.
I'm not in Paris.
I'm not in Chengdu Province of Sichuan.
But, most of all, I'm not in love.
You guessed it. That intro can only be my not-at-all contrived way of letting you know that, this week in 1975, 10cc hit the top spot on the UK singles chart, thanks to the song of that very title.
This melodrama. Spider-Man still needs to reach the airport to prevent it from being the one that takes the one he loves so far away.
But the clueless Prowler's still obstructing him from that goal.
Tony Stark, meanwhile, is nowhere near an airport. He yet remains a captive of the Melter who's forcing him to make improvements to his melting gun.
The villain hasn't, however, bargained with the fact that our hero's in a position to don his original armour and clank, once more, into the fray.
And Dr Donald Blake is having a lie-down while reminiscing upon that time he found a stick in a cave and used it to defeat the Stone Men from Saturn.
He is, of course, doing this in a quest to make sense of his confusion as to what his true identity is.
Dr Strange dominates our front cover but the issue kicks off with Shang-Chi invading his father's HQ, in the wake of his sister having got her hands on some magic rubies that could see her destroy her own father.
The new Goliath, meanwhile, invades Coney Island, in a bid to rescue the Black Widow from the clutches of Egghead, the Mad Thinker and Puppet Master.
But can he get past their giant android who, by an amazing coincidence, just happens to be the exact same size as him?
Stephen Strange, meanwhile, is still in a stranger world and still being drawn by Barry Smith.
But who can the mysterious master of that oddly nightmarish world be?
I generally try to avoid making definitive statements on the internet, as they're always proven wrong by people who know more about things than I do but that genuinely has to be the worst-drawn cover I've ever seen on a professionally produced comic.
When it comes to the book's insides, I do believe the prince of darkness takes a ride on a train. One that also happens to contain Jack Russell.
But perhaps our attention should be on Ireland where the villainous Dr Sun is out to recruit the vampire Lucas Brand.
Speaking of Jack Russell; in his own strip, that character's furry alter-ego must battle Algon the son of Taboo!
And Frankenstein's Monster, is once more, engaged in fisticuffs with a pig monster.
Part Two of Marvel's adaption of Beneath the Planet of the Apes greets us within, as Nova sits around on the back of a horse until she encounters Earth astronaut Brent. She then leads him to Ape City where the answers to his questions may be encountered.
Following that, I do believe Adam Warlock continues to rampage around Counter-Earth, having been convinced, by the Man-Beast, that its population deserve nothing less than a good slaughtering.
And it's starting to look like even nuclear weapons can't stop him!
On a slightly smaller scale, Sinbad experiences the second instalment of his golden voyage, thanks to Marvel's interpretation of the recent movie of that description.
Conan battles dutifully on but cancellation's now mere weeks away.
Still, before that happens, he and Fafnir are stranded on the island of Bal-Sagoth where they must quickly become friends if they're to survive for long enough to land some prehistoric crumpet.
Solomon Kane, on the other hand, seems to have disappeared from the book, after just one week.
But what's that that that cover is telling us?
It can only mean that, having drunk Hank Pym's shrinking serum, last week, the bumbling brute's found himself in a world controlled by the Shaper of Worlds on behalf of Dr Doom's former snivelling Nazi lackey.
I'm sure our hero will take as much pleasure in smashing Fascism as the rest of us would.
When it comes to Daredevil's strip, the man without fear's become the man without a time zone, as he's still not managed to get back in sync with the rest of humanity, after being blasted by the Exterminator's T-Ray.
Foggy, meanwhile, has devised a stunt designed to lure the villain out into the open.
And the Fantastic Four grow increasingly worried, as they realise Alicia's been abducted by persons unknown.
We readers, however, know she's been taken to a place called The Beehive, by a bunch of scientists who want her to approach a strange being that others can't.
I do believe the Silver Surfer recruits the aid of top scientist Al Harper, in a fresh bid to smash his way through the space barrier which holds him prisoner on the planet Earth.
But to do that, he's first going to need a whole great big heap of money.
Elsewhere, in their strip, the X-Men discover the origin of Professor X, as we receive an introduction to the power and menace of the Juggernaut!