As I roam the streets of Sheffield, people often say to me, "Steve, how come you're a man who can either fight or disappear?"
And I say to them, "It's simple. My entire body's an invincible killing machine."
"But how can I become an invincible killing machine?" they retort.
"It doesn't come easy," I tell 'em. "It takes years of study and dedication - reading issue after issue of Iron Fist."
"I: Ron Fist?" They say. "Who's Ron Fist?"
"You've never heard of Ron Fist?" I demand. "The greatest exponent of the martial arts there's ever been? Did Misty Knight lose her arm for nothing?"
But what a fool I was. If only I'd spotted this advert earlier, I could've become an invincible killing machine with just a fraction of the effort.
Yes. It's true. The 1970s really were so great that it was possible to become a lethal ninja simply by handing over $5.
I hereby nominate this as the best comic book advert ever - even better than the legendary one for Duke the adventure dog whose exploits I touched on here.
Reader, Please tell me you sent off for this very booklet. Please tell me it enabled you to become a man/woman who can defend him/herself even whilst asleep. Most of all, please tell me you've used its secrets to gain mastery of the deadly Retrievable Stone.
(Addendum: Don't forget to vote in the matter-of-life-or-death poll to discover who'd win a fight between a ninja and Charles Atlas.)
Keep Those Things Away From Me - Novel
1 year ago