Steve Fights Crime! Danger down under!

Over the last few days, the world's thrilled to my exploits as I've set about acquiring the parts needed to create the ultimate super-hero costume.

I'm already fully catered for up-top - but now comes the most important item of them all.

What to wear to cover my lower-half modesty?

Sadly, when it comes to such areas, super-heroes have a terrible reputation, being ridiculed as they often are for wearing their underpants over their trousers.

As though that weren't bad enough, there're also such lapses in taste as Wonder Woman's star-spangled abominations and Supergirl's bright red hot pants.

Therefore, given such a paucity of items to choose from, I'm going to have to go for one thing, and one thing alone.

Conan the Barbarian's loin cloth.

Not the furry one, obviously. If ever I've seen a garment asking to be overrun by fleas, it has to be the furry one.

No. I shall go for the proper loin cloth, as seen to the top-left of this very post. With Conan's loin cloth, I shall look like a man capable of rescuing any maiden from any wizard and defeating every man-ape this side of Zingara, by Crom.

So, that task now sorted, I have Ant-Man's helmet, Batman's cape, Captain America's shirt and Conan's loin cloth. Already I can sense super-villains trembling at the thought of me approaching them in a darkened alleyway.

But that's not enough. After all, roaming the night-time streets as I shall be, I may stand on a nail and - as Superman often told us in those 1970s public information ads - even a non-rusty nail can cause a nasty infection. Therefore I'm going to need footwear.

Long-standing readers'll know that nothing excites me more when it comes to super-hero costumes than the subject of footwear. I am sure therefore that the topic of my next post shall thrill me greatly.

In the meantime, feel free to discuss your own personal favourite examples of clothing designed to cover a super-hero's loinal extremities.

Steve Fights Crime! Getting it off your chest.

If there's one thing in life a Bronze-Age super-hero needs, it's a shirt.

Why?

To hide the fact he has no nipples.

It's not just the male Bronze and Silver-Agers who have this affliction. When Mary Jane Watson saunters into Peter Parker's living room in Amazing Spider-Man #55, she's clearly wearing a see-through dress and yet there's not a nipple in sight.

From this we can conclude that comic book people are not mammals at all and must reproduce by means of laying eggs.

But, if one's constructing one's ideal super-hero costume, just what shirt should one wear? My quest to assemble such an outfit has already seen me plump for Ant-Man's helmet and Batman's cape but what shirt could possibly do them justice?

Iron Man has a metal, bullet-proof chest-plate. I think we can all agree that bullet-proof chest-plates are a good thing in the fight against crime - unless the bullets ricochet off your chest-plate and shoot up your nose.

The Valkyrie has metal hubcaps to hide her boobal appendages of Valhalla. Sadly while such a feature might be eye-catching, I fear such adornments might prove uncomfortably cold in winter.

Killraven has that strange chain-mail thing that only covers one side of his chest; and Spider-Man has a large spider on his shirt, which is rarely the best way to make friends and influence people.

No, wonderful as all these items are, I can't get round it. If I'm to have a shirt, there can be only one choice.

And that's Captain America's.

Captain America's shirt might be corny and not at all appropriate, bearing in mind I'm not American, but I still remember how striking his outfit seemed to me when I first clapped eyes on it as an eight-year-old. When it comes to dealing with wrong-doers, you simply can't beat a combination of red, white and blue.

But that's not enough.

If I'm not to be arrested for indecent exposure before I've even punched my first super-villain in the hooter, I'm going to have to acquire something to cover my heroic nether-regions.

And that's the problem my next post'll be tackling.

In the meantime, feel free to discuss your favourite super-hero shirts of all time.

Steve Fights Crime! The cape of good hope!

Is it normal to feel sorry for a cape?

I like to think it is, as I always felt sorry for Dr Strange's original item of that description.

There it was, merrily doing its duty of enabling Strangey to fly - or whatever it was it did - when he dumped it and got himself a fancy new one with bendy, pointy bits. There's gratitude for you.

I seem to recall he got rid of the original after being given a new, more powerful model by the Ancient One, following his first fight with Dormammu.

Of course, some may argue the Ancient One would've been showing a lot more gumption if he'd given Dr Strange a more powerful cape before his fight with Dormammu.

That aside; as we witnessed in my last post, in my quest to assemble a costume in which I can fight crime, I've decided to don Ant-Man's helmet.

But a man can't fight crime in just a hat. He needs so much more.

Hence my concerns about capes.

Of course, it's not compulsory to wear one - many fine super-heroes have done without - but, given that fighting crime is the one time in life you can get away with wearing a cape in public, I feel I should take advantage of this rare opportunity.

But which cape to wear?

Superman's cape I never liked. It always looked suspiciously like an old blanket he'd just painted an S on. At one point in the 1970s, Supergirl took to tying her cape around her neck, which seemed a recipe for a good strangling. The Original Captain Marvel's cape was so small it suggested his funds were limited. Adam Warlock gained a certain gravitas after adopting his cape, and the Son of Satan's cape had a certain something.

But, in the end, there's only one cape I can go for.

And that's Batman's. The sheer bat-shapiness of it, with all its Gothic arches and the tantalising suspicion he could use it to fly with if he wanted, means I can't resist it.

So, I now have Ant-Man's helmet and Batman's cape. Already I can sense I'm going to be sending fear into the hearts of wrong-doers who are a cowardly and superstitious lot.

But I can't just wear a helmet and cape. If I'm to defeat evil, I'm going to need a shirt.

And that shall be the subject of my next post.

In the meantime, feel free to share your thoughts of what have been your favourite super-hero capes of the comic book world.

Steve Fights Crime! The journey begins!

From the moment I first started reading super-hero comics, I knew that one day a fateful moment would arrive.

Reader, that moment is upon us, as I at last face up to the fact that I can delay no more. I must take to the streets and fight crime wherever I find it.

"But, Steve, you great steaming fool!" I hear you cry. "Have you learned nothing from the first two issues of The Fantastic Four? You can't fight crime without a costume!"

And that's why, over the next few posts, I  shall be assembling a uniform that shall strike fear and dread into the hearts of evil-doers.

Needless to say, I shall take inspiration from the super-doers who've inspired me all my life.

And where else would one begin than with head-wear?

There've been many fine examples of head-wear in comics. Who could neglect the Phantom Stranger's trilby or the Shadow's slouch hat? There's Dr Doom's iron mask. And who could forget Mysterio's goldfish bowl of menace?

But, for me, when it comes to super-hero headgear, there's only one winner.

And that's Ant-Man's cybernetic helmet.

Now, as a child, I didn't have a clue what "cybernetic" meant - and I still don't. I only know it sounds cool.

More than that, it looks cool. Ant-Man might be a feeble, neurotic weakling who poses no threat to any serious wrong-doer but that helmet at least made him look like a pro while he was posing no threat. Not only that but it gave Ant-Man the power to control ants.

Being a cut above Ant-Man, I  of course shan't use it to control ants.

I shall use it to control the wallabies that so famously live wild in the Derbyshire countryside that lies so close to my own dear home. "Attack, my wallabies of justice!" I shall cry. And attack they shall, for even wallabies must bend before the power of cybernetics.

Thus is the first part of my costume assembled. But ahead of me lies an even greater challenge - and the subject of my next post.

A cape - and whether to wear one.

Reader, feel free to share with me your thoughts on your own favourite item of comic book head-wear.

The terrifying monsters of Journey Into Mystery!

In recent days, Steve Does Comics' readers have gasped, thrilled and trembled at the nightmare creatures Tales to Astonish and Strange Tales have thrown at us - but just what terrors can a pre-Thor Journey into Mystery unleash?

Why, it seems it can unleash some oddly familiar names and faces...

If ever you needed proof Britain and America really are two countries separated by a common language, it has to be the terror of Shagg.

Somehow I don't think the unstoppable Shagg would've been approved by the Comics Code in this country.

Rather appropriately, the comic that was to give us Thor gives us giant Vikings from space.

Orogo, the thing from beyond!

Beyond what, I have no idea.

The Awesome might of Gomdulla.

Am I the only one who suspects Howard the Duck is beneath those bandages?

Goliath, the monster that - like Frankie Valli - walks like a man.

Gruto, the creature from nowhere!

Kaptured by Korilla!

I do wonder just how many monster names Stan Lee could come up with that were variations of the word, "Gorilla."

I don't have a clue what that thing is but it's easily the coolest-looking monster in this post.

Zog! What more needs to be said?

Rro! Stan wasn't really trying with that name, was he?

Bombu!

A strangely familiar name and a strangely familiar face.

Rorgg!

Monstro!

Spragg!

That's that thing where you film your chin upside down and stick false eyes on it, isn't it?

We've had the Hulk. We might as well finish off with his old foe the Glob.

The Class system exposed!

Gadzooks! It seems it's a time for celebration! Not only has Cerebus 660's redoubtable Glass Walking Stick just crashed through the 150,000 page-views mark but this very day should send Steve Does Comics' own all-time page-view total smashing through the 200,000 barrier, poised as it currently is on 199,616.

Of course, with my winning modesty, I thought such a thing would go unnoticed.

But what's this?

I wake this morning to see bunting strewn across the pathways of this fair land, street parties underway and a bank holiday in full progress?

Bonfires are being lit on every hilltop in the land?

And only yesterday, a thousand boats floated up the Thames in celebration?

Needless to say, this touching tribute by an entire nation has moved me deeply and I shall be celebrating this afternoon by sailing up the River Sheaf, on my barge, before ending the day in the pouring rain, stood on the kerbside of my nearest main road and watching traffic go past for seven hours. Hopefully the BBC will do the right thing and ignore the protests of those who want me abolished.

Anyway, inspired by Pete Doree's recent comment on the Bronze Age Babies blog, here are the covers of some of the Alan Class comics I once possessed. I would have posted all the covers of all the Alan Class comics I once had but, as we all know, finding Alan Class covers on-line is like to trying to grab hold of the Human Top.

June 1972 - forty years ago today.

The Queen might this weekend be celebrating sixty years on the throne but who cares about what happened sixty years ago? All that matters to all sane human beings is what was happening forty years ago - because that's where we'll no doubt find our favourite Marvel heroes giving a royal crowning to anyone who doesn't get out of the way of their fists fast enough.

It makes me happy just to think of this story as the Hulk finds himself up against virtually everyone who's got nothing better to do today.

Two terrifying villains for the price of one; Galactus and Richard Nixon.

Galactus wants the Silver Surfer back as his herald. If I'd written it, he'd have ended the tale with Richard Nixon as his herald.

Comic book writers, why do they never get it right?

I assume, from the cover, that this issue features a re-telling of Shell-Head's origin.

It's not their first team-up but, for me, Dr Strange and Spider-Man never feel like natural partners.

Barry W hands us an epic cover, as everyone who's ever been an Avenger (apart from Wonder Man) reunites to invade Olympus.

Gil Kane gives us a very odd version of the Stranger who seems to be a cross between Terry Thomas and Adam Warlock.

I'm not sure the phrase, "Bottles of Death," really fills me with the sense of dread it's meant to - especially as Cap and the Falcon seem to be having no difficulty getting out of them.

I would, though, love to read this tale, if only to see how two such under-powered heroes can possibly see off one of Marvel's mightiest foes.

Hooray! It's the return of the Purple Man, as recently mentioned in the comments section of this very blog!

Is this the one where we get the tale of Ragnarok?

That really is a terrible Gil Kane cover.

As regular readers may know, I'm an ardent admirer of Kane but he did seem to be having an off-month this time round.