Monday 18 June 2012

Steve Fights Crime! Danger down under!

Conan the Barbarian #35, the hell-spawn of Kara-Shera, Conan fights a giant bat monster with his sword, as a helpless wench looks on
Over the last few days, the world's thrilled to my exploits as I've set about acquiring the parts needed to create the ultimate super-hero costume.

I'm already fully catered for up-top - but now comes the most important item of them all.

What to wear to cover my lower-half modesty?

Sadly, when it comes to such areas, super-heroes have a terrible reputation, being ridiculed as they often are for wearing their underpants over their trousers.

As though that weren't bad enough, there're also such lapses in taste as Wonder Woman's star-spangled abominations and Supergirl's bright red hot pants.

Therefore, given such a paucity of items to choose from, I'm going to have to go for one thing, and one thing alone.

Conan the Barbarian's loin cloth.

Not the furry one, obviously. If ever I've seen a garment asking to be overrun by fleas, it has to be the furry one.

No. I shall go for the proper loin cloth, as seen to the top-left of this very post. With Conan's loin cloth, I shall look like a man capable of rescuing any maiden from any wizard and defeating every man-ape this side of Zingara, by Crom.

So, that task now sorted, I have Ant-Man's helmet, Batman's cape, Captain America's shirt and Conan's loin cloth. Already I can sense super-villains trembling at the thought of me approaching them in a darkened alleyway.

But that's not enough. After all, roaming the night-time streets as I shall be, I may stand on a nail and - as Superman often told us in those 1970s public information ads - even a non-rusty nail can cause a nasty infection. Therefore I'm going to need footwear.

Long-standing readers'll know that nothing excites me more when it comes to super-hero costumes than the subject of footwear. I am sure therefore that the topic of my next post shall thrill me greatly.

In the meantime, feel free to discuss your own personal favourite examples of clothing designed to cover a super-hero's loinal extremities.


Dougie said...

Ikaris the Eternal had a fairly funky loincloth as did his relative, Gilgamesh ( or was that a sarong?)

That reminds me of the old Glesga gag. "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?/ Naw, yir right, it's a doughnut".

That's also one of my favourite 70s Conan done-in-ones. Got that in the cafeteria in Stonehouse hospital in Lanarkshire, which always stocked a few Marvels in the mid-70s.

Simon B said...

Hey Steve, is anything worn beneath the loincloth or is it all...?

No, sorry... even I won't stoop that low ;-)
( which itself sounds kinda rude )

Anonymous said...

I think I would prefer Supergirl's hotpants.

Steve W. said...

I always suspected Supergirl's hot pants were made of nylon. I remain confident that Conan's loin cloth wasn't.

Boston Bill said...

Namor's trunks. The chain mail design protected him where he needed it the most.

Namor's trunks: where would he be without them?