Sheffield's Most Wanted. Part 3: Savage Sword of Conan #5.

Outside, the wind might be blowing up a storm but in the sheltered recesses of the Internet, the world practically stops on its axis as yet again I highlight a comic I always wanted as a kid but never managed to acquire.

This time it's The Savage Sword of Conan #5; upon whose cover we find the Hyborian Hero nailed to a cross, as a vulture gets ready to tuck in. If this was The Beano, that vulture would of course be holding a knife and fork while wearing a napkin tied around its neck. Oddly enough, artist Boris Vallejo didn't think to add that detail.

Apparently laid out by John Buscema, the pic has crucifixion, it has vultures and it has a big skull. As DC's regular Weird War Tales cover man Luis Dominguez could tell you, a comic book cover can never go wrong with a good skull on it.

Not only does Savage Sword of Conan #5 have a great cover but it also appears to feature an adaptation of A Witch Shall Be Born, one of my favourite Robert E Howard Conan tales.

Not that I knew back then that it was one of my favourite Robert E Howard Conan tales as, at that point, I'd never read any of them. Since then I've read them all - and have come to the conclusion that I agree with myself on the matter.

Sheffield's Most Wanted. Part 2: The Shadow #1.

The Internet's most sensational new feature returns as Steve Does Comics once more talks about a comic it's never read.

That's right, it's time for me to tackle another mag I always wanted as a kid but failed to get my hands on.

This time out it's DC's The Shadow #1.

I don't think I need to explain for one moment why I wanted it. One look at that Mike Kaluta cover should be enough to dispel all doubt, as the Shadow looms large over the skyscrapers, neon signs and traininess of New York city - much as I always dreamed of looming large over the chip shops, dual carriageways and spoon factories of Sheffield.

I claimed to have not read The Shadow #1, and it's true that I never read it as a kid. Thanks though to the wonders of the 21st Century, I did in fact read an online reproduction of it a few months back. As expected, it was all very stylish but the truth is I prefer Frank Robbins' more energetic take on the character.

PS. I mentioned in this post from February a list of songs I always associate with certain issues of certain comics. And that applies to this one as well. For whatever reason, I can't look at that Kaluta cover without hearing ABBA's Money Money Money in my head.

I also can't avoid thinking of a long-forgotten ITV sit-com called Squirrels but that's a whole other story.

Conan the Barbarian #5.

I'm pretty down with the street gangs, winning them over instantly with my mammoth break-dancing skills. "Gordon Bennett!" they declare, "We've never seen anyone spin on his head like you do! Please become the leader of our crew and teach us your skillz so we can save our local youth club from closure, with the winnings from next week's National Street-Dance Disco Dancing Competition!"

Sadly, not everyone's as popular as me; and the evil sorcerer Zukala's among them. He keeps sending his daughter Zephra into the nearest town to demand taxes from the locals.

This might not sound like much of a problem for the said locals. Can they not just show her pictures of sad kittens until she cries?

But Zephra's no ordinary gal. Like 1960s pop legend Lulu, she can turn herself into a tiger.

Unfortunately for Zukala, on this particular occasion, Conan the Barbarian just happens to be in town, and one look at his horny helmet sends her so horny she decides to side with him against her father.

After being promised lots of money by the locals, Conan sets off to Zukala's castle and takes on the wizard - but not before Zukala summons the demon Jaggta-Noga to collect the taxes his daughter so miserably neglected to gather.

It all ends with Zephra fighting Jaggta-Noga before, to protect her, Zukala sends the demon back to where it came from, and he and his daughter vanish off to some mystic dimension, leaving Conan to help himself to the collected taxes they've left behind.

This was the first Conan story I ever read - in the pages of Fleetway's Marvel Annual 1972/3 - and it was love at first sight. How could I not love a story with a sorcerer, a tiger and a demon in it? How could I not love a story with a castle?

Granted, I didn't at that point have a clue who Conan was and, because Thor got mentioned in an article elsewhere in the annual, I somehow convinced myself the star of this tale was Thor - even though everyone kept calling him Conan.

It's from the strip's early months and thus features Barry Smith's art when it was still partway between his days of badly imitating Jack Kirby and his more ornate later style. But even here there's a class about it - an appreciation of "camera-angles", perspective and poses - that hints at the true potential behind the pencil. Smith's renditions of the tiger, and Jaggta-Noga are especially appealing. Frank Giacoia's inking doesn't best suit Smith's pencils, being too crisp and harsh, but it's not enough to spoil the enjoyment.

The more observant may notice the colouring in the images I'm posting here isn't quite the same as in the original comic. Those devoid of marbles might think it's because I have a priceless and rare edition re-coloured by the great man Bazza himself.

They'd be wrong.

It's because at some point as child I decided it'd be a good idea to colour-in the otherwise black and white reprint with felt-tip pens. Comic book colouring? Break-dancing? Truly I am the Renaissance Man.

Sheffield's Most Wanted. Part 1: Detective Comics #443.

For the most part I was extremely lucky as a child. My nightmare of being forced to appear on Mike Reid's Runaround never became reality and I also managed to get my hands on most of the comics that I ever wanted.

However, just as no game show is ever free of fear, no life is perfect and there were a number of comics I always coveted but never got my grubby little hands on. In an exciting new feature that'll no doubt prove to be as popular as my legendary Supergirl Sunday slot, I'll from time to time be giving those comics a quick mention.

First on the list has to be Detective Comics #443. Not only was it a 100 pager, not only did it have a cover by Jim Aparo, not only did it feature the Spectre but it gave us the meeting of Detective Comics' then two biggest stars, Batman and Walt Simonson's Manhunter. Was there really anyone alive who could take one look at the pair of them stood back-to-back on that cover and not want that comic? Just the positioning of their feet alone was enough to sell the thing to you.

I actually got my hands on a copy a couple of years back, as part of a job-lot, and it was OK but if only I'd read it as a kid, then I'd really have been able appreciate it.

Actually it's probably best that I didn't. For if I had, my head would surely have burst from all the excitement and left nasty bits of my skull embedded in the walls where they would've become the subject matter of the worst song about wallpaper that Pulp ever wrote.

Sometimes in life it's best that we don't get what we hope for, but such a charming anecdote does give me chance to ask which comics did you always want but never got?

Avengers Annual #2. The Old vs the New.

Like anyone sane, I've often wondered how I'd fare in a fight against myself.

I like to think that, thanks to my animal cunning and willingness to use any dirty trick in the book, I'd win comfortably, but only after a long and gruelling struggle with my superior strength.

Happily, it's not a problem I'm going to have to face for many a long year yet, but the Avengers aren't so lucky. They've already been through that trial, way back in 1968, in the pages of Avengers Annual #2.

It barely needs to be said that Avengers Annual #2 features one of the great comic book covers of all time, as John Buscema literally flings our super-doers headlong at each other - though, looking at that picture, you can't help but feel the Black Panther drew the short straw in his choice of opponents. Unlike Captain America, he didn't even get a shield to protect himself with.

Still, however much I may love the cover, it's what's inside a book that counts. And what's inside is one of my favourite Avengers tales as, fresh back from their trip to gawp at Bucky getting killed in World War Two, the Avengers discover that the Wasp's nodding off at the time machine controls changed the course of history, meaning the original Avengers never broke up and instead fell under the influence of a being called the Scarlet Centurion who's promised he'll give us all a barrelful of Utopia if the Avengers defeat and imprison all other super-powered beings in the world. This means that, by the time the new Avengers show up, the originals are the only super-beings left at liberty anywhere on Earth.

Of course, upon meeting the old Avengers, the New Avengers have a chat with them about the situation and, being reasonable adults, as they all are, they sort the whole thing out and team up to get rid of the Scarlet Centurion.

Of course they don't. They're Marvel heroes. They could start a fight in an empty room. And so, now at war with their older counterparts, the new Avengers set out to stop them and use Dr Doom's time machine to restore everything to how it should be.

After achieving an improbable victory over the more powerful original Avengers, the new Avengers find themselves in a showdown with the Scarlet Centurion who turns out to be an earlier incarnation of Kang the Conqueror. Happily, he's soon sent flying off into the far future by Doom's time machine, and everything's soon put back as it was, with none of the Avengers remembering anything that's happened.

How could you not love this story? It doesn't just give us the Avengers, it gives us the Avengers times two, and there's something irresistible about seeing the likes of the Black Panther and Hawkeye somehow taking out the Hulk and Iron Man while the totally un-super-powered Captain America defeats Thor. In my favourite section of the story, Goliath beats Giant Man by virtue of having practised learning to hold his breath for longer, just in case he ever has to fight the Sub-Mariner again, while the Wasp beats her old self simply by being marginally more level-headed.

It's an interesting thesis the story puts forward that, without any super-villains left to fight and no other super-heroes to rival them, the Avengers would soon drift into being nothing more than super-villains themselves. Given how eager the average Marvel hero is to use his knuckles before his brain, it's probably not an unreasonable point for writer Roy Thomas to posit.

If you were really determined to find fault in the tale, you might complain that, unlike the cover, the interior's not drawn by John Buscema. It's drawn by Don Heck. This isn't always good news in a comic but Heck's in one of his more reader-friendly modes this time out and Vinnie Colletta's inks soften his pencils pleasingly. There's also a helping hand lent by Werner Roth whose style's close enough to Heck's for the transitions between pencillers to be barely noticeable let alone jarring.

Like one of those bricks they made you rescue in swimming lessons, Steve Does Comics heads straight to the bottom. Unlike those bricks, it stays there - because it likes it there.

We all know the biggest crime ever committed against humanity was when Marvel Comics stopped putting those one-line ads at the bottom of their pages - the ones that used to tell you what was going on in their other releases of that month.

"But even so," I hear you cry, "what kind of fool would be so sad as to have a favourite set of those ads?"

This fool would.

In Steve Does Comics' tireless endeavour to sink ever further into the quagmire of futility, I bring you my favourite set of Marvel's one-line ads. They come from Marvel Spotlight #12, featuring the debut of the Son of Satan.

Why they're my favourites, I don't know. I suspect a quick check would tell me they're neither better nor worse than the ones that could be found in any randomly selected comic. It strikes me that, rhythmically, these particular ones're mostly ungainly - and the last quote in particular seems especially clumsy in its execution.

In the end I think it's down to mere association, the fact that they appear in conjunction with the Son of Satan, the man I've modelled myself so closely on for all these years.

So, to compound my madness further, here they are:

"Who'd ever believe the Miracle Man could destroy the world? Not the Fantastic Four- till they face the truth in ish #139!"


"Dracula Lives - in three terror fraught tales, no less!"


"How can Conan stand against - the Shadow in the Tomb?"


"Special battle issue! Ka-Zar vs the Super-Soldier --- all waiting for you, in Astonishing Tales #20, right now!"


"Who is Memorax? Learn his startling secret - in Warlock #8!"


"Crazy magazine! First explosive issue - now on sale!"


"Kraven the Hunter's back in town! But this time, the town is Frisco --- and the victim is Daredevil! Don't miss the wall-to-wall action!"

This is where I now ask you which Marvel comic featured your favourite one-line ads.

This is where I suspect I'm not going to get any answers.

September 1971. Forty years ago today.

It's September - and that means just one thing; goodbye to summer and hello to autumn, as Steve Does Comics looks once again at what our favourite Marvel heroes were up to exactly forty years ago.

Does the sun's feeble surrender to the fickle overtures of Winter's Beckoning Herald mean the fight'll likewise fade from the hearts of our heroes?

Of course it doesn't. They're just as willing to punch people in the bracket as they always were.

The Amazing Spider-Man celebrates his 100th issue by having a nightmare involving just about every major foe he's ever had, and then caps it all off by waking up with six arms - a problem I likewise had when this blog reached its 100th post. I still recall the life or death struggle with a living vampire that ensued.

The Grey Gargoyle's still causing trouble for Captain America and the Falcon.

Who'd win a fight between Conan the Barbarian and Batman? Conan would of course.

And here's where he proves it as he finds himself up against a flying bat-man and his scary garden.

It's the Owl - back by reader demand!

Are they really sure about that?

I've never read this one but it looks like there's plenty going on as the Fantastic Four tangle with their own pogo plane while the Human Torch, erm... ...er.

No, I admit it. I don't have a clue what's happening.

At last, the Incredible Hulk finally gets round to battling Dr Doom, as Vic decides Purple Pants is just the servant he needs for his fiendish plans.

Oh, Victor, will you never learn?

Iron Man battles a man who can melt his armour. How can our tin-clad titan hope to win?

More to the point, what the hell kind of costume is the bad guy wearing, why's he called the Slasher if his schtick is melting things, and just what are those things sticking out of his head?

One of my faves, as Thor takes on the unstoppable Durok the Demolisher.

Just look at him go. I reckon Durok'd flatten Doomsday.

Can it be true? The Avengers disbanded?

It can, as Neal Adams contributes his first Avengers cover and the Kree/Skrull War rumbles ever onward.