Ka-Zar vs Tarzan: Poll Results!

Ka-Zar takes it out on the neighbours!

Ho, Zabu! What strange and new madness befalls the Savage Land?

This kind of madness - because the results are in from Steve Does Comics' poll to discover who's the best jungle lord; Tarzan of the apes or Ka-Zar, lord of the Hidden land!

It was an epic struggle, featuring two characters who think nothing of walking down the street in a loin cloth or of killing everything in sight to prove how great they are.

Still, eventually we got a winner.

And that winner is...

...Tarzan!

That's right, in a decision to send the most rational of jungle lords on an enraged quest to stab even more dinosaurs, you the reader have voted in favour of Tarzan, by a margin of eight votes to four.

Take this, Tibbles! Nothing can stop me now! Nothing!

Sadly, this means Lord Plunder must now settle for being evicted from his tree-house to make way for Lord Greystoke, leaving him to live in a caravan in Morecambe where there's barely a dinosaur in sight but they do have a lovely bird sanctuary for him to terrorise. Those ducks aren't going to know what's hit them.

But oh the bitter shame and disappointment.

Mantis vs Moondragon: Poll results.

As Mantis was always telling us, strength is as nothing beside skill.

But now it seems a bald head is as nothing beside a pair of antennae, because the sensational results are in from our sensational poll to discover which of Moondragon or Mantis you'd marry if you were a tree.

And the answer is...

...Mantis!

Yes, by a mighty eleven votes to five, you voted for the Vietnamese Vixen.

I must admit I voted that way too, mostly because she ran around barefoot and I like to think that if I were vegetation I'd prefer a woman who didn't clomp around in big nasty boots.

Poor old Moondragon. First passed over by the Cotati plant people, now passed over by you the reader. Is there to be no end to the poor girl's humiliation?

Still, at least she's taking it well.

Then again...

Oh pull yourself together woman. It's only a tree you've been rejected by. It's not like it's anyone classy.




PS. A great big Steve Does Comics No-Prize goes to the first person who can tell me which comic the picture of Moondragon crying comes from and the real reason she was blubbiing.

Avengers #123. The Celestial Madonna Saga: Part 1.

It puts Zodiac into perspective when you realise
its,"most dangerous member," is a non-super-
powered blind-man with only half-hearted criminal
tendencies and what appears to be a terminal case
of constipation.

When tackling the Avengers' Celestial Madonna storyline, the obvious question is where to start.

The obvious answer is, "At the beginning." But that means going all the way back to when Mantis made her first ever appearance.

Even then, in that debut, she was clearly being set up as a woman of mystery, although whether the writers knew back then just how it'd all pan out has to be viewed as questionable.

But reviewing every Avengers story in which Mantis ever appeared'd be madness - especially as a lot of them aren't very good. Plus, most of those stories have no relevance to the epic anyway.

Therefore I'm going to do what seems logical and start with the moment that sets in motion Mantis and the Avengers' quest to uncover her murky origins.

Avengers #123 kicks off with Zodiac member Libra declaring to a shocked gathering of Avengers and captured Zodiac members that he's Mantis' father. Apparently, some years back, he was a mercenary in Vietnam where he married a local girl and had a daughter with her.

Unfortunately for the course of true love, his wife's brother was local gangster Monsieur Khruul who could've given even Quicksilver lessons in how to disapprove of your sister's relationships, by killing her.

Blinded in Khruul's attack, Libra fled with his infant daughter, stumbling across a temple run by the Priests of Pama who took him in, taught him to see without eyes and raised his daughter Mantis to be a mistress of the martial arts.

In the present day, Mantis has no memory of this and decides the best response to such claims is to knock his block off.

Needless to say that leads to a mass brawl, with Mantis taking out all the Avengers before they all realise the Swordsman's flown off to avenge the death of Mantis' mother at the hands of Monsieur Khruul.

That plan soon goes awry and it all ends up in a temple, with a set of massacred priests and a huge dragon about to attack the clueless Avengers as the issue draws to a close.

The first thing that hits you in the face about Avengers #123 is the cover. It's easy to knock modern comics for having covers that have nothing to do with the actual contents but Avengers #123 turns the crime into an art form by depicting a scene that's the exact opposite of what's inside, as Mantis seeks to protect Libra from the wrathful Avengers, whereas inside it's the other way round. And just why does Libra look so constipated?

It has to be said that Mantis' fight with the rest of the Avengers stretches credulity to ridiculous limits. She not only takes out the Scarlet Witch and the Black Panther but also the Vision, Iron Man and even Thor. I know she's supposed to be mistress of the martial arts but the way she's depicted here, you'd even place bets on her beating Galactus. Such unstoppability's made to look even more unlikely by the fact that Libra then stops her simply by holding her down with a move even I could escape from.

Not for the first or last time, the Swordsman gets to show what a complete loser he is, first by getting captured by the man he's turned up to kill, and then giving away the existence of the Priest of Pama, leading to all their deaths at the hands of Khruul's lackeys. You have to feel sorry for the man. He really can't get anything right. The again, you have to feel even more sorry for the Priests of Pama.

The artwork's not sensational, being a combination of Bob Brown's pencils and Don Heck's inks. It's not the ideal combination although the results are clear enough and dynamic, and the closing double page splash of the dragon lurking in wait for the Avengers is nicely done.

What's even more unlikely than Mantis' sudden near-invincibility is Libra's blindness. We're left in no doubt he's really sightless when the Avengers and Mantis react in horror to his destroyed eyeballs but there's no explanation given for how he's able to function perfectly without them. He doesn't even have a Daredevil style radar sense to fall back on. Apparently he can sense everything that's going on round him in perfect detail because, erm, he just can. The most egregious example of this is the flashback scene at the temple, where he goes to watch his daughter training, even though he's blind.

Still, whatever its sillinesses, it's all lively, dramatic stuff and gets the ball rolling on the whole Mantis saga while setting us up for the sight, next month, of the Avengers versus a giant dragon. If only it'd been Fin Fang Foom, my day would've really been complete.

Sheffield's Most Wanted. Part 5: Tarzan Limited Collectors' Edition.

Yodel-odel-odel-odel-o!!! It's time for me to depart my tree house and swing anew from the jungle vine of Nostalgia as I once more recall a comic I always wanted as a child but never had.

Even though I was a big fan of the Ron Ely Tarzan shows and the Johnny Weissmuller movies, I must confess I was never interested in the comics of that name.

After all, we comic lovers had Ka-Zar who was not only lord of the jungle but fought dinosaurs and had a sabre tooth tiger. In comparison to such exotic fare, Tarzan seemed a very mundane proposition.

The one exception was DC's Tarzan Limited Collectors' Edition. That Joe Kubert cover, showing Tarzan fighting a giant, erm, whatever kind of ape that's meant to be, while other non-specific apes watched on, was enough to entice any man into handing over his cash.

Looking at it now, I can't help but feel Tarzan looks a little apathetic about it all, and it doesn't half seem like cheating that he has a dagger and his opponent doesn't.

Then again, Tarzan's pointing it at his own genitals so maybe it's a bigger danger to him than it is to his foe. Or perhaps Tarzan's playing the, "Let me go or I'll impale my cobblers," trick that's served me so well over the years whenever I've been attacked by wild beasts.

But, beyond the fight, there's more - the promises of a giant pin-up of the jungle lord, and a guide as to how to draw Tarzan, not to mention a 3D diorama cut-out of something or other.

I like to think it was a cut-out of the whole of Africa but I suspect it wasn't.

Mantis vs Moondragon.

Those of us who were fans of harrowing World War Two drama series Allo Allo will remember the vital life-or-death storyline that involved The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies. How we gasped as Herr Flick of the Gestapo tried to track down that painting.

But, of course, for comics fans there was a far more important Madonna than even her.

And that was the Celestial Madonna.

In yet another feat of masochistic madness, within the next few days Steve Does Comics is to launch a project that dwarfs even its review of the Kree/Skrull War, and begin the demanding process of reviewing every instalment of the Avengers epic that gave us the origin of the Vision, Agatha Harkness being abducted as possible breeding stock (!!!), and a woman with antennae marrying a talking tree.

In the meantime there's a bigger issue to be addressed.

All devoted Avengers readers'll know that at one point it was touch-and-go as to whether it'd be Mantis or Moondragon who'd nab the Celestial Madonna gig.

That's hardly surprising as they had much in common, most specifically a level of self-regard that'd make Brian Clough blush and a determination to cause ructions at every opportunity. So, the subject of our latest poll - to be found in the sidebar on this blog's starboard side - is; "If you were a talking tree, who would you rather marry; Mantis or Moondragon?"

Don't forget to vote. Remember, somewhere out there a randy tree may be depending on your answer.

Sheffield's Most Wanted. Part 4: The House of Mystery, Limited Collectors' Edition.

Shiver, mortals, as Steve Does Comics delves into realms of fear and terror for yet another look at a comic I always wanted as a kid but never managed to acquire.

Unlike the Marvel Treasury Editions, the DC Limited Collector's Editions never seemed to show up in Sheffield - maybe that's why they called them, "Limited." Or if they did show up I somehow never noticed them.

That of course didn't stop me from coveting them.

And one of my most coveted was The House of Mystery's venture into the format.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, I was always a sucker for DC's horror anthologies, so this was always going to grab me.

Just look at that hand beckoning us inward to experience the horrific delights it has to offer.

Look at that promise of a lesson in how to draw a haunted house.

Look at that offer of seven king-size tales.

Most of all, look at that promise of a 3D mystery cut-out - a promise I to this day still always misread as, "3D mystery cat." 

What kind of lunatic could say no to a 3D mystery cat?

Not this kind of lunatic. Why, to even think of refusal would be to show a disgraceful lack of manners - and Manners is my middle name.

Actually it's not. As we all know, my middle name is Does. But that's a whole other issue- as is whatever comic I'll be talking about in my next post from the Frontline of Nostalgia.

Billy the Cat and Katie. Beano Book 1973.

As we all know, the American comic book industry's always been the natural venue for the super-hero yarn. Maybe it's the brashness of American culture, or the epic scale of New York but somehow super-heroes have always felt more at home there.

However, in the 1970s, British comics did give readers the occasional chance to see some home-grown super-heroics. I've already mentioned the late lamented Vulcan comic and its oddball battlers, in this post from June, and now it's time to acknowledge the existence of The Beano's very own stab at the form, in the shape of Burnham Academy's answer to Daredevil and the Black Widow - the crime-fighting pair of youngsters known as Billy the Cat and Katie.

Billy the Cat and Katie were William and Kathleen Grange, two cousins who fitted in fighting crime around their school work. How they got their incredible powers of agility and athleticism, I don't know. Where they got their leather costumes and crash helmets from, I don't know. Who wrote them, I don't know. Who drew them, I don't know. I only know that with them around no crook was safe.

In The Beano Book of 1973, Billy the Cat and Katie tackle a pair of escaped convicts by the name of Wat Graham and Jake Carson who hijack the local school bus.

Well, those crooks might think they're being smart in taking on a bunch of kids but what they don't know is it's none other than the bus that Billy the Cat and Katie use to get home on. Within mere pages, after much bouncing round on the rooftops, our heroes have the crooks all tied up and helpless, with no one any the wiser as to their true identity.

It has to be said that, compared to the life-or-death, angst-ridden adventures of Marvel's heroes, it's all rather pleasant stuff, packed with a sense of cosy Englishness and drawn in a way that evokes little sense of drama or urgency, even when the bad guys start waving guns around.

This is a good thing. This is The Beano after all, a comic noted for its feel-good escapism, not its nail-chewing melodrama.

Most of all, what the story does do is make you want to be Billy the Cat and/or Katie. If only I too could leap around on the rooftops. If only I had one of their metal cat claws attached to a piece of line. If only I had a crash helmet with a set of whiskers on it.

Oh well. Maybe one day. Maybe one day.