Thanks to Charlie Horse 47 and Killdumpster for their sponsorship of this post, via the magic of Patreon.
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Who hates Stevie Wonder?
Probably no one on the entire planet.
However, to be honest, in September 1984, I was starting to wish he'd never been born, as his latest single I Just Called to Say I Love You clung on to the UK Number One spot for week after week after week. In fact, it spent the entire month and more in pole position, giving some of us a distinct air of having outstayed its welcome.
Over on the British album chart, an almost equal level of dominance was achieved by Various Artists' Now That's What I Call Music 3 which seemed like it was going to rule the roost forever. But, then, at the very death of the month, it was finally dislodged, by David Bowie's newest offering, a thing called Tonight.
Much as I may enjoy the film, I can't say I've ever viewed it as fitting into the categories of sci-fi, fantasy or horror.
Elsewhere, this issue reviews new cinematic offering Iceman which I've never heard of, and interviews Laurene Landon, star of upcoming sword and sorcery flick Hundra which I've also never heard of.
Fortunately, I have heard of Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Starburst interviews him about his latest gift to the world Conan the Destroyer.
We also receive a preview of The Philadelphia Experiment and are presented with a review of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
And he accompanies that cover with an interview about his stint on the show.
We also discover, within, Part 3 of the comic strip the world must call The Voyager.
In keeping with the Fourth Doctor theme of the issue, there's a look at the the life and times of the anti-matter antagonist Omega and a look back at Baker's first-ever story Robot.
But it's not all nostalgia, because we also encounter a look ahead to the return of the Cybermen in whatever story it is they return in. I'm assuming it's the splendidly violent one with Brian Glover and all that shooting in the gravel pits.
Then again, it's not far off being the last issue of it that anyone ever read, as the mag will survive for just one more month before folding.
In it, Captain Britain returns to Braddock Manor to do whatever it is he returns to Braddock Manor to do. I think the creation of a computerised butler may be one of the feats he achieves while he's there.
Next, Night-Raven finds himself in a tale called Pathology III.
Then we discover four-page Marvel Showcase yarn Unicorn on Winchester, as brought to us by Martin Lock and Dave Hartwood.
And we round off the issue with the X-Men and Micronauts still battling an evil version of Professor X who, for some reason, is roaming around dressed like a Roman gladiator.
No danger of the UK Savage Sword of Conan folding imminently. Anyone can tell it's got bags of life left in it yet. Just like its star.
Having sad that, I can't tell you anything about the contents of this one, although I am going to assume pirates are involved and Conan gets to fight them.
No doubt, he kills their captain and then takes over as their leader, as that's what usually happens when Conan encounters pirates.
He'll then lead them into terrible danger in some jungle somewhere and get most of them killed, as that's also what happens whenever he encounters pirates.
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28 comments:
Puffins, Penguins, Hydrox and Oreo cookies… come for the comics and stay for the subsequent musings.
STEVE - when were the Arctic Penguin-Human encounters… like 500 years ago or…?
BT- yes, Hydrox sounds like a industrial-chemical outcome!
RED - I really enjoyed grade skool book sales. I was 100% Charlie Brown paperbacks and picture books of racing cars like F1 and Indy.
It’s raining in Chicago. Time to break out the long boxes!!! Maybe some bronze age Luke Cage HERO FOR HIRE!
ChArlie!
The other week I picked up ‘Signed Sealed Delivered’ by Stevie Wonder for £1 from a charity shop. It completes my run of 70s Stevie Wondee albums. I listened to it yesterday whilst cleaning the kitchen and it reminded me yet again what a sheer JOY he was for so long. So much talent. Peerless.
But yeah, the Casio years were bleak. ‘I Just Called’ was surely the nadir.
Was ‘Tonight’ the Bowie LP with ‘Blue Jean’ on it?
I had that Starburst. Surely soon I’ll cancel that subscription? I had many many better things to spend my money on in 1984.
I guess that MWOM too but I don’t remember it.
Imagine being whoever Dr Who was played by then and seeing Tom Baker on the cover. You’d be gutted!
‘Wonder’, not ‘Wondee’. Thanks for nothing, autocorrect.
Charlie:
For your information “Hydrox” cookies first appeared in 1906 and the name is derived from Hydrogen and Oxygen, the two elements in plain old, good, clean, natural water. But I agree with you and Phillip — the name DOES sound like some kind of industrial chemical compound :D
Books I got through those once-a-year School book sales back in the day: THE SHADOW OF FU MANCHU, those awesome Airmont editions of DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN and David Gerrold’s BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES. Educational!
Redartz, did you say you got CONAN AND THE SWORD OF SKELOS thru a school book sale? If I’m not mistaken, that may be the only book in the officially licensed Conan paperback series where Conan rapes a woman. When the story was adapted in SAVAGE SWORD, Roy Thomas tried to clean up Andrew J. Offutt’s mess by implying that Conan and the lady were merely indulging in somewhat rough foreplay (and that she DID verbally give her “consent” at the last minute) but it was still wildly problematic. I guess the vetting process for books sold through that program must have been pretty loosely-goosey.
b.t.
Why do that Conan cover's pirates resemble figures out of Treasure Island, rather than a time before recorded history? Then again, Roy Thomas had medieval castles, so why not cutlass-wielding, ear-ringed 18th century pirates, with headwraps? At least sometimes the books used the term, 'Freebooter' (although that's got problems of its own! ) to distract the reader from the idea of 'pieces of eight', 'Raise the Jolly Roger, lads!', etc!
I've watched Dick Turpin, starring Richard (Man About the House) O'Sullivan, on Rewind TV. Back in 1979, I never realized it was kind of a dry run for Robin of Sherwood. The writer's Richard Carpenter, whilst baddie, Captain Spiker (c.f. Guy of Gisborne), is the county sheriff's (c.f. Sheriff of Nottingham) henchman. To start with, it's set in Hertfordshire & Essex. Lesley Dunlop played a tavern's kind-hearted serving wench!
Charlie - Peanuts books were a staple for me, too! USA ones had yellow covers, didn't they?
Phillip
b.t. - I got 'Conan and the Sword of Skelos' - but I don't recall that bit! Nevertheless, I'm now certain my English teacher didn't go through it with a blue pencil!
Phillip
Oh - I forgot to mention, Dick Turpin returned from soldiering, to find the county sheriff had confiscated his parents' farm. If not literally Robin Hood, a very Robin Hood 'vibe', without a doubt! Rewind TV's had a very promising start!
Phillip
Charlie, the last known true penguins were killed in 1844 when Jón Brandsson and Sigurður Ísleifsson strangled them while Ketill Ketilsson smashed their egg.
However, there was a possible sighting of five specimens in 1852, near Newfoundland.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_auk#Extinction
Matthew, Tonight had both Blue Jean and Loving the Alien on it.
Colin Baker was the Doctor at the time. Judging by that cover choice, one might almost think he wasn't as popular as he could have been.
Red, I remember our school also having a thing through which you could buy books. The strange thing is I remember filling in the form but have no memory of ever receiving any actual books. I don't even recall what books I ordered.
Phillip: I read SWORD OF SKELOS back in the day too — I’m older than you, so I bought my copy from an actual book store :) — and l have to say the rape scene didn’t really register as such with me at the time, either. I started seeing discussion of it in various online forums maybe 20 years ago, re-read that sequence and sure enough, it’s undeniably a non-consensual sexual encounter — in other words, rape.
As for why Hyborian Age pirates look exactly like the 17th Century kind — that was actually a deliberate part of REH’s game plan when he created Conan’s world. He loved writing historical adventure stories of all kinds — Pirate Stories, Crusader stories, Oriental adventures, Viking stories etc — but found that the research required was very time-consuming and ate into his bottom-line. So he designed the Hyborian Age as a pre-historical setting
where he could tell all those kinds of stories, but with “Proto-Egyptians”, “Proto-Cossacks”, “Proto-Romans” etc instead of the real things.
The “Intentional Anachronism Effect” works better in some stories than in others. There’s a scene in “The Black Stranger” where he shows up wearing a pirate outfit that sounds EXACTLY like something out of TREASURE ISLAND.
b.t.
b.t. - I know something about R.E.H - but that's interesting extra information. Thanks! Conan the Adventurer's the first Conan book I read (which didn't seem to have anachronisms - although I was young, so may not have noticed.) Subsequent Conan books made less of an impression. I've blamed Roy Thomas - not R.E.H. - for anachronistic laziness (so, I owe Roy a mental apology, then!)
Phillip
Charlie, b.t. and Steve- indeed, those school book sales were a high point of school life (hope you don't mind the topical divergence carrying over from your last post, Steve). Phillip, I too often got "Peanuts" books; but they had various color covers. One I specifically recall was "Peanuts Cookbook", with a red cover. Odd that I ordered it, as I wasn't much help in the kitchen.
One book that always grabbed my interest was anything about dinosaurs. And baseball. Aaaaand, Encyclopedia Brown.
To address at least a bit of your original discussion, Steve- "I Just Called to Say I Love You" held a lot of airplay here too. I did buy the 45, but also got a bit fatigued by hearing it so frequently. That may have been one of the last 45s I did buy, actually...
Redartz - A distant American relative gave my brother & myself (aged 6 or 7?) our first Peanuts books. Mine was, "It's Your Turn, Snoopy" - and I remember that as having a yellow cover. I think my brother's had a yellow cover, too - but I may be wrong ( he 'phoned today, so I could have asked!) Subsequent UK purchased Peanuts books, had covers of various colours. From what you say, maybe the same editions as in the US. "You Cannot Be Serious, Charlie Brown" I remember as having a brown cover ( for the others, it's all a blur! ) Apologies for too much trivial detail!
Phillip
Phillip- to continue your penchant for detail (no apologies needed- the more trivial detail, the better)- you are probably right about the UK/US editions. Of the 6 vintage Peanuts books I still have: one is brown, one yellow, one green; four are white with a cover featuring a cartoon panel from within (how's that for mind numbing minutae). The three color covers have printing dates from the late 60's. The cartoon covers are all from the 70's. One final tidbit of trivia (if anyone is still awake)- the yellow book, "Peanuts Every Sunday", is appropriately a collection of Sunday strips, and is horizontal in format, unlike all the others.
Phillip :
One last thing about the Intentional Anachronisms in the Conan stories — they’re much less obtrusive in prose. When I first read REH’s “The Black Stranger” I didn’t pay much attention to what Conan was actually wearing in that one scene I mentioned, but when I got the illustrated Del Rey edition about ten years ago, I saw that the artist Gregory Manchess had chosen to illustrate that very scene and Conan looked like one of Howard Pyle’s pirates — with the long coat, the traditional Pirate Hat and his hair pulled back into a ponytail — it was pretty jarring! In the comics, the artists usually default to fairly generic “One Size Fits All” costumes and architecture, as if the entire Hyborian Continent is one big Arabia.
b.t.
This might be a controversial opinion but I prefer Conan The Destroyer to Conan The Barbarian.
Phillip, I was going to mention the scene in The Black Stranger where Conan is dressed like Long John Silver but b.t. got in first so you might like to know that The Black Stranger was one of only four Conan stories rejected for publication during REH's lifetime.
When I was in secondary school in English lessons there was a monthly magazine from which we could buy books but the only one I can remember buying was a short-story collection called Where Monsters Walk - I can even remember the exact date I received it, Thursday November 30th 1978. The book had an illustration of a white-faced werewolf on the cover - if you google Where Monsters Walk and click on Google Images you can see that cover!
My father had very little interest in pop music but he liked I Just Called To Say I Love You. Many years later he said to me "What was that song I liked - I Just Phoned To Say I Love You" :D
Colin, there was a time when I too definitely preferred DESTROYER over BARBARIAN. At least it had some monsters in it and a scenery-chewing sexy evil witch-queen and a cute teenage princess and best of all, it wasn’t trying to be a half-assed Kurosawa movie. But last time I tried to watch DESTROYER I found it pretty rough sledding. BARBARIAN royally pisses me off though, so technically I might actually still prefer DESTROYER. Not in a hurry to re-visit either one, honestly.
b.t.
This was the final Captain Britain story in MWOM (not surprising if there’s only one more issue) and so we must be closing in on Captain Britain monthly. Alan Davis and Mike Collins set up the new series, and move the main characters into place (mostly Braddock manor). It does foreshadow the Crazy Gang, Slaymaster and Kaptain Briton storylines and so Davis must have plotted the first half dozen issues prior to Jamie Delano joining as scripted. I’m still fond of these stories.
DW
Colin - I suppose Werewolves fall into 2 types - those with hairy human faces, and those with wolf heads on hairy human bodies.
To my father, too, modern pop music was rubbish. However, he heard 'The Living Years', by Mike & the Mechanics, and seemed deeply moved by it.
( Probably because my father was sentimental, and often told stories about deceased family members.)
Redartz - My final Peanuts was a Charlie Brown book & audio tape ( I was aged 9, I think.) By then, to my parents, Charlie Brown was babyish, and we should be reading 'proper' books, instead. However, despite that, to me, Peanuts is still a great way to get kids reading something, at least. And, later, I went on to read 'proper' literature - so it certainly did me no harm!
b.t. - To me, Brigitte Nielson's a total miscasting as Red Sonja ( not that Arnold's much better! ) There aren't many red-headed actresses, but what about the girl in the Ivanhoe series? She'd have been better.
DW - Slaymaster's a great composite villain - his original costume had elements of the Hitman (leg-holster), Bullseye (target on forehead), the Tarantula (toe-knives) & Batroc (twiddly 'tache). Plus, his sick sense of humour.
Rewind TV's Dick Turpin episode had one rival highwayman turn out to be a thief-taker, hired by Spiker - whilst a disguised effete fop (but excellent fencer) turned out to be the real rival highwayman! Quite convoluted, but good, nevertheless!
Whicker's World (in Malaysia) followed after Dick Turpin, interviewing 'Ex-pats' (imagine Alan's voice elongating the vowels, to a ludicrous extent! )
Phillip
Talking of rape scenes in Conan stories - another of the REH Conan stories rejected for publication by Weird Tales magazine was The Frost Giant's Daughter which is now a Conan classic so why was it rejected? I've heard of two possible reasons:
1) Conan intends to rape the scantily-clad Frost Giant's Daughter so the subject was too controversial
2) The plot was unoriginal as it's basically a re-hash of the Greek legend of Apollo & Daphne
Steve, the UK Savage Sword Of Conan magazine wasn't as safe as you seemed to believe in your post - the final issue was dated July 1985 so the mag had only ten issues left at this point and not "bags of life left in it yet" as you put it. By contrast the US Savage Sword magazine lasted ten more years until the final issue dated July 1995.
Phillip:
For reasons lost to time, I avoided seeing RED SONJA in the theatre, and have never bothered to watch it. Everything I’ve heard about it suggests that it’s awful.
Colin:
It’s possible that WEIRD TALES editor Farnsworth Wright was uncomfortable with Conan’ clearly lust-maddened pursuit of the Frost-maiden, but IIRC , he rejected the story with the un-helpful (but final-sounding) comment, “I’m returning this one to you as I don’t care for it”. Of the others that he rejected, I’m guessing he thought “The Black Stranger” just wasn’t “weird” enough for WEIRD TALES (the supernatural element does feel pretty obviously tacked on, and superfluous), I think “The God in the Bowl” is dull and “The Vale of Lost Women” is one of REH’s weaker Conan stories (although, honestly, WEIRD TALES published many stories by other authors that were far worse).
b.t.
I liked ‘Loving The Alien’.
Howard had his low points, IMO, all that damsel in distress and undress stuff. But there where times when his prose really struck me, like when he was describing the fall of an advanced race in Queen of the Black Coast or the pits beneath The Scarlet Citadel. There were passages in his stories that were just incredible.
Like that talking elephant-guy...
He had his moments. I'd compare his stuff with Lovecraft.
M.P.
...I think what I was trying to say was, Conan and various Hyborian wenches aside, REH was a genius at Cosmic Horror.
Now, Howard's stories generally had a more or less happy ending. The hero prevailed.
In Lovecraft's stories, not so much.
Maybe horror was temporarily averted, The Old Ones are coming back at some point.
Which reminds me:
Vote CTHULHU-DAGON 2024!
This election, why pick a lesser evil?
M.P.
REH was a genius at Cosmic Horror, is what I mean.
M.P.
Whoops. commented three times there.
This goddam Google, I can't figure out if a comment was posted or not.
God forbid, any of you fellows should be deprived of my wit and wisdom.
Anyway...
M.P.
M.P. — I agree, REH could really bring the Horror when he wanted to. The central Bran Mak Morn story “Worms of the Earth” is more of a straight-up horror story than a Fantasy Adventure, and one of his absolute best stories in any genre. Ever read “People of the Black Coast”*?It’s freaking GRIM.
(*Not to be confused with “People of the Black Circle” or “Queen of the Black Coast” :D)
b.t.
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